My Identity Is Political and I Will Not Be Silent

Language is a marvelous thing. It’s fluid, it changes over time, it allows people to communicate in a myriad of ways. It gives us storytelling and love. Language, in all its many forms and transcendent qualities, is what ties us together as a species.

Language has always been co-opted by oppressors in an effort to oppress; language has often been reclaimed by people who wish to turn harmful words into words of power. Language is not a clear-cut mode of communication, nor does it mean the same thing to everyone. Words have meaning, power, and can be used for uplifting others or harming others. Language is always in flux, and it’s beautiful.

Language is also how we come up with terms to express ourselves, define our identity, and name our politics. Our beliefs and our passions are expressed in language. Our fierceness and our tenderness is shown in language. Language is as vast as the sky and as intimate as a welcome touch from a loved one. We tell stories with language; we fight wars with language; we make peace with language. It’s part of our universe, our daily lives, our dreams.

Language is important as fuck, and what we do with it—the words we use, the words we refuse—is as much a part of ourselves as how we dress or what movies we like or what we do when we see cute animal gifs on the internet.

Language is tied to identity, and identity is political, and this is why I reject the premise of “leave political identity at the door” when having conversations, breathing, or smiting the patriarchy. Identity is intertwined with politics; identity is political; who we are as people, is, like our need for language—in whatever form that takes—an indivisible element of our psyches and our souls.

Language is political; identity is political; language is identity. Follow me, if you will, into a few examples of how this works and why I am fiercely vocal about my choice of language in my identity.

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Identity Is Political

CW: this post will discuss online harassment, trolling, and have screenshots with potentially upsetting language (including abelist language, accusations, misgendering comments, and inflammatory rhetoric). There are elements of this post that discuss author Jon Del Arroz.

I also wish to advise people who are not familiar with Jon Del Arroz’s online bullying and harassment techniques that if you engage with me about him, or engage him directly, he is likely to harass you, tag you in unwanted tweets, email or DM you, and otherwise seek to be disruptive and suck away your time. (And he is known to quote-tweet people in order to passively-aggressively get his followers to continue the harassment or dogpile a commentator, while claiming to be uninvolved.)

Please take care of yourself first when deciding whether or not to engage.

For several months now, I’ve on-again off-again had interactions with another author in the SFF field: Mr. Jon Del Arroz. If that name sounds familiar, you may know him as the dude who got himself banned from WorldCon 76, denied membership into the SFWA, and who has continually sought to harass and disrupt other authors in the field (such as John Scalzi, Cat Rambo, Chuck Wendig, Jim C. Hines, and many others). Mr. Hines wrote a detailed and thoroughly researched post about Mr. Del Arroz’s behavior, which you can read on Jim’s blog.

For the record, yes, I did write an email to the SFWA board with my concerns about Mr. Del Arroz’s membership application. Here is the full text of my letter, which was addressed to the SFWA Board, time stamped Thu, Dec 21, 2017 at 5:54 PM:

According to a public blog post dated December 20th 2017, Jon Del Arroz posted his intent to apply for SFWA membership. On File 770, there are screencaps of tweets by JDA stating his intent to use a bodycam in order to film SFWA members in the con suite non-consensually.

(I’ve taken screenshots of both posts, respectively, in the event the original blog post is removed.)

As an active SFWA member and a person with a marginalized identity (being trans and non-binary), I find Mr. Del Arroz‘s position and trolling both harmful and threatening. Given his recent association with noted transphobic author Milo Yiannopoulos, I also worry for the safety and mental health of myself and my fellow trans people, writers both in the SFWA and not yet joined, and the damage Mr. Del Arroz could potentially cause within the organization.

Considering that the SFWA site has a directory of members’ personal information, and access to social media such as twitter and Slack and the blog, I feel Mr. Del Arroz could cause extreme harm to individuals, the organization as a whole, and the reputation of the SFWA as a professional organization.

I’m a Nebula Awards finalist (2016, “This Is Not A Wardrobe Door”) and professional author, and I am intending to attend the Nebulas in 2018 in Pittsburg and other conventions where there may be a SFWA con suite available. I would feel highly unsafe were Mr. Del Arroz to be accepted into the SFWA and allowed access to the directory, the forums, the social media, and the con suites.

I value the SFWA, the services it offers, and the sense of community it provides among members. I would formally like to ask the SFWA board and membership review board to decline Mr. Del Arroz‘s membership into the association, for the reasons of safety and security mentioned above. He has not shown himself to hold to professional standards in the past, and the active threats against marginalized authors and persons attending the cons or within the organization is unacceptable.

Thank you for your time and for hearing my position on this matter.
Merc Rustad
(writing as A. Merc Rustad, SFWA active member since 2015)

There followed a kerfuffle within the SFF community about this (and tendrils of it are still ongoing). Mr. Del Arroz contacted me via email (from the contact page on my site), and tagged me in tweets. Screencaps of the interactions are posted here.

This is my twitter thread in which I spoke about why I emailed the SFWA board about Mr. Del Arroz. (The link is to a QT of the SFWA’s decision, but you can click through and read the original thread.)

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Del Arroz emailed me with the subject line: Please don’t talk shit.
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Then he tweeted this on 12/22/2017

(Note the misgendering comment. My pronouns and gender are listed quite publicly on my website,  which he had to have been to in order to email me from the contact form.)

Also so it’s clear, yes, I blocked Mr. Del Arroz on twitter as soon as he was kicked out of Codex, a semi-pro writing forum. I’m an active member on Codex, and as I respect the privacy policy of the site, I won’t comment on the circumstances of Mr. Del Arroz’s ban. He broke the rules and he was removed. Soon after, I blocked him on social media, given how he lashed out at moderators on Codex for their actions.

This is another twitter thread in which I share receipts about contact with Mr. Del Arroz. Below is one of his QTs about my thread.

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“For being who they are.” Sounds suspiciously like “identity politics,” eh? But let’s not bring those into the discussion, no. I was talking about known, documented behaviors. I have not commented on his ethnicity, his gender, his political beliefs, or his religion. My comments, my concerns, were and are directly related to Mr. Del Arroz’s behavior online and stated intentions for behavior in private (physical) con spaces, and the language he uses towards and against other people.

This is an email thread between myself and Mr. Del Arroz. [These are screenshots. For readers who have difficulty seeing the images and would like a text transcript, please let me know and I will be happy to provide you with a text transcript.]

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I did not respond to the last email. Mr. Del Arroz then tweeted the following:

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“Check identity politics at the door.”

Like a coat you bought last October, when the weather began to chill. “Here’s your ticket, please pick up your identity when you’re done with the event.” Until then, it’ll just hang here on racks with all the other coats.

What “check identity politics at the door” is truly saying is this: discard pieces of yourself in neat piles and walk through that door with holes in your body, in your mind, in your soul. Rip apart your psyche and leave the bloody remains in a rusted bucket, like an aesthetic prop in a horror movie.

This phrase is saying: Destroy yourself, piece by piece; dehumanize yourself; be complicit in your own subjection by oppressors.

And to that, I say, “No.”

The term “identity politics” grates on me because of the inherent assumption that identities are not political, when in fact they are, and always have been.

Identity is who we are. Identity is political because, in all of human history, some humans will leverage their identities as being superior to other people. Those in power and privilege will use this as an excuse to exact harm, commit murder, rape, genocide, atrocities, and otherwise dehumanize and destroy those they don’t like.

“Identity” isn’t something you shrug off when it’s inconvenient to someone else. You don’t tell me, and my friends, and the millions of people out there like me, to simply disengage aspects of our humanity, then expect us to get along with you.

No one gets to declare “no identity politics!!” as if we are simply masses of accessories to discard on a whim. You do not get to say the playing field is equal just because you have certain privileges (part of your identity) that makes you less likely to be harmed.

Trolls are gonna troll, it’s true. I dislike them. But because they can, and do, harm others, I am willing to plant my banner on this hill and fight them, so the more vulnerable of my people do not have to expend the energy to do so.

In fact, the only trolls I like are the Olog-hai, because I adore all the orcs in the video game Middle-earth: Shadow of War.

Isn’t he great? [Image screenshot from Middle-earth: Shadow of War © 2017 by WB Games]

Brilliant as always, friend and fellow author Elsa Sjunneson-Henry tweeted this the other day, and it has stuck with me:

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Link to Elsa’s tweet

Damn, is this not spot-on and beautiful?

Matt Dovey, a good friend and amazing SFF author, succinctly added to my point with this impeccable line, quoted here with his permission:

“ID politics” pretends there’s politics without ID, when all that actually is is erasure.

Well said, Matt and Elsa. Well said.

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Image: Shea Labeouf applauding (gif)

I will not take myself apart for the comfort and ego-soothing of others, like men who are in positions of privilege. Especially bigots. To peel away layers of identity and simply discard them because some dude decries it? Fuck that noise. No.

Who I am is political: existing in this world as a trans, non-binary, autistic queer person is political as fuck and I will not break myself apart at another’s insistence. It doesn’t work like that. To suggest otherwise is insulting and in many ways leads to self-harm.

Because there are people who cannot safely be out about their identity. They hide out of necessity or shame, and my heart breaks for them. I was once hidden in shadow, swallowing down any protest about my name, my gender, by brain. I understand the need to hide, and I understand the pain and violence and crisis that can crash down on those of us who are trying to navigate a hostile world.

Language helped me understand who I am. Finding words such as “non-binary” and “queer” and learning that I, too, could claim these as my own, as words to describe myself, was life-saving. Language matters; how we use language matters, and it always has. I am proud of who I am. I am grateful for all my friends and support network who have helped me understand myself; I am indebted to those who came before and carved out space and claimed words and said, “Yes, you belong. We welcome you here. You are valued and you are valid.”

And so I want to say to those who are searching, who are still finding the language needed to define themselves, who are in need of support and community: We’re here and we care about you and you’ll find your way. ❤ I believe in you.

I wish to be visible to help others who cannot be visible yet know they are not alone. My use of language is a choice, to speak with and to others.

My identity is political as fuck, always has been, always will be, and I will never leave it by the door or anywhere else.

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Image: Gif of President Obama’s mic drop


If you liked this and wish to support me, there are several ways!

My debut short story collection, SO YOU WANT TO BE A ROBOT, is available for sale! Amazon | B&N | Lethe Press | Powell’s Books

You can support my Patreon!

I have a Ko-Fi, if you’d like to buy me a coffee!

And of course, signal boosts of my work are always appreciated. Thank you for reading, for your support and your time, and I wish you all the best. ❤

(This post is 2,200 words long.)

2017 In Review: Words and Games

With 2018 on the horizon, I feel a little like Dante surfacing from the circles of Hell and looking at Virgil and being like, “What the fuck, dude?!”

Gustave Doré’s Dramatic Illustrations of Dante’s Divine Comedy

Yeah, 2017 was A Thing That Happened. It had a lot of bad. A lot. But it also had quite a few good things, and it’s important to highlight the good things when you’re playing on nightmare mode and have no save slots in the game.

So hey, here are some things I accomplished this year! Good things. Things I am proud of and hope to repeat in the future. Just, you know, maybe while not running around a hellscape with some ghost-poet bro.


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So it turns out I actually wrote a lot of words this year. That snapshot above? Yeah, that’s from my GYWO spreadsheet. Holy fuck, you guys. o.O  I wrote about 334,240 words in 2017. That’s a lot of taps on the keyboard.

It breaks down something like this:

18 finished short stories
4.5 finished novelettes
2.5 finished novellas
1 finished novel
And about 56,000 words on my COG game (which is on hiatus at the moment and is going to end up around 200-250k when done).


The rest of the words are split between unfinished short story drafts, nonfiction, ideas and notes, and other things I chose to count. That’s a lot of fiction words. If you’d asked me last year (2016) how much I expected to produce, my goal for Get Your Words Out was 150k and I thought that was really gonna push my limits.

You know what’s funny? The moment I look away from my spreadsheet, my brain is like, Well you didn’t do very much this year, slacker. Which is a lie, of course. And this is why I keep detailed stats of my progress and projects, because when the doubtroaches surface, when the depression hits hardest, when the anxiety crawls through my ears into my thought neurons, I can look at this Excel page and be like, “See? That’s not nothing. So shut the fuck up, doubtroaches, and go away. I don’t have time for your lies.”



I have an awards eligibility post here. In 2017, I had 14 original stories published. And my debut collection, SO YOU WANT TO BE A ROBOT, was published by Lethe Press! I’m super proud of these stories. I will have six original stories/novelettes coming out in 2018, and I’ve been solicited for several different anthologies. That is so cool, guys. It’s gonna be an exciting and busy year! 😀


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Video games are a safety net for my mental health, along with being one of my favorite pastimes. It’s telling how horribly long 2017 has felt, because I could have sworn half of these were last year. But nope, I looked at my achievements listings (thank you, Xbox date stamps!) and everything on this list is squarely in 2017. So here are the games I played & finished this year.

Dishonored: Definitive Edition (x2)

First playthrough was in High Chaos, because I am really bad at stealth. XD Then I started a new game and aimed (and succeeded!) for Low Chaos. What I love about this system is how it affects everything: from the dialogue and NPC chatter to the weather and the aesthetic, to the big show pieces such as the climactic chapter of the game. I love so much about this game, even with its flaws: the world-building, the whales, the small details woven through codex entries and songs; the relationships that play out between characters; the gameplay mechanics and UX; and really, just running around being a garbage rat murder-dad was such fun.


The Knife of DunwallThe Brigmore Witches

In these DLCs for Dishonored, you play as Daud and see the story from—before the scene in the game, and after—unfold. It delves into the world more, has a lot of feels, and is so much fun. Daud is my favorite. (I mean, hell, I loved these games so much I wrote fanfic where Daud and Corvo are dogs…)

Dishonored 2 (x2)

Again, I played the whole game twice: first in High Chaos (as Corvo), and second in Low Chaos (as Emily). It’s fascinating to see and hear the differences both for each PC choice, as well as whether you go high or low chaos. This game is beautiful, too: everything is shinier and the Clockwork Mansion is a masterpiece of visual aesthetics.

Dishonored: Death of the Outsider

The last chapter in the storyline preceded by Dishonored, this brings a close to Billie, Daud, and the Outsider’s stories. It’s a gorgeous game where you get to play a disabled bisexual Black woman, and it is amazing. Billie is such a fantastic protagonist, so snarky and with much commentary about her world. Plus the ending resolution, if you choose the non-lethal option when you find the Outsider, hit me in ALL THE FEELS. It was perfect.

Doki Doki Literature Club!

This game is fucked up and terrifying and brilliant in the use of game mechanics and metadata to mess with the player’s head. It starts like a dating sim and then it just gets unnerving.

Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator (x3)

This is the first dating sim game I’ve ever played, and it was such a delight. It’s charming, relatable, and wonderfully designed and animated. Dadsona may be one of the most relatable dad-characters in gaming, let’s be real. And Amanda is top-notch adorable.

Layers of Fear

I loved the visual aesthetics and creepy atmosphere of this game. It’s a first person exploratory, psychological horror story about an artist who is trapped in an ever-changing haunted house. It’s delicious and unnerving, even if it has a lot of puzzles (I hate puzzles). Plus, I love when games have multiple possible endings.


A beautiful, creepy game with snark and ghosts and time-travel fuckery. Which is all my jam.


S C R E A M I N G I loved this so much! It hits so many of my favorite buttons: shadowy monsters, set in spaaaaace, you get to eat things, and also you can have a shotgun or hit things with a wrench. It reminded me strongly of BioShock meets Dishonored, and I was delighted by the two ending options you could choose. You can also make adorable little cubes and shapes and craft stuff, which is soothing af. What’s also wonderful was how many casually queer characters are in this. And POC! And so few white men! It was amazing and so refreshing, even as you realize that everyone is doomed. Plus, “Intrinsic Value” may be my new favorite (accidental) achievement ever. xD

Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor (x2)

I picked this up in March when a coworker described the Nemesis System to me and sold me on that alone. Then I played and fell in love with everything about this: the Orcs, Talion, the storytelling, the gameplay mechanics and UX (although the menus were annoyingly confusing at first). But let’s be real: the Orcs are the best thing about this series. They’re hilarious, charming, delightful, brutal, snarky, endearing, and I adore the Nemesis System so completely. One of my favorite parts in this game is sneaking around and just eavesdropping on the Orc chatter. And any time an enemy kills Talion, I laughed and laughed in delight. Never has it been so much fun to get your character killed in horrible ways!

Middle-earth: Shadow of War

What Shadow of Mordor set up by the end (the forging of a new Ring), Shadow of War paid off beyond my expectations. Everything in this sequel is just as good or better than the first game. And the main storyline? COMPLETELY DESTROYED MY FEELS. In the best way. It was perfect, exactly what I wanted, and so satisfying. Talion’s journey is epic and deeply personal. (I give no fucks about how this slots into the timeline; it can be an AU in Middle-earth if need be, but it is perfect for me.)  The siege and conquest system of fortresses is super fun; strategy and tactics come into play, you get shiny armor and weapon upgrades, and my favorite is all the cut scenes when you face off against Captains and Warchiefs and Warlords. The dialogue is brilliant, the animation is gorgeous, and it’s so visceral and satisfying on so many levels. I love Shelob and Sauron and Bruz and all the other hero Orcs, Carnan and the Balrog, plus the Gondorians and the Nazgul and everyone else. Also, someone please pay me to write “The Continuing Adventures of Ranger and Ratbag,” because I will write that novel SO FAST.

The Witcher 3: Wild Hunt + Hearts of Stone & Blood and Wine (replay)

This is, perhaps, one of my favorite games. In 2016 I binged the entire Witcher franchise (yes, starting with the clunky and awkward first Witcher game on a PC). The Witcher 3 will probably be a game I replay yearly: it’s unbearably gorgeous, fun, and soothing with familiarity while still being entertaining and satisfying. (I mean, I haven’t gotten all the achievements yet, so…)

And Looking Into 2018…

So. New year, new start, all that, right?

Yeah. I don’t necessarily have grand resolutions. They are small things, achievable things: be kind, raise up others’ voices, support artists, continue creating, focus on mental-health and self-care, and bring as much joy to others as I can. I love seeing people happy. It is my greatest pleasure to encourage and support and praise and enjoy others’ work. I love squeeing about awesome things, and since 2017 proved I am out of fucks, let’s go all out. Let’s celebrate art and people; let’s create and revel in the things we love; let’s support each other in ups and downs; let’s make this world just a little better, one action and word at a time.

Happy 2018, everyone! Be the badass mofos you were born to be. ❤ Peace.

Six Years and a Book: Finishing A Novel After A long Hiatus

This is the blog-ified version of a series of tweets I made after finishing my novel, FIVE DEATHS AND A GOD. The storify is here.  ^_^


November 30th, 2017

*whispers* I finished my first novel yesterday after a six year hiatus.

I’d like to tell you about my novel-writing journey thus far, because it’s been…interesting, shall we say.

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This is a thing that happened.

Okay, so.

I wrote my first *finished* novel in 2003, and it was about an adorable little weasel who goes on a quest to help save his (future boy)friend’s kingdom.

(Wilfy is totally bi. I just didn’t consciously understand or realize that when I was a tiny smol!Merc.)

2004 was the first year I did #NaNoWriMo (I won), finishing my second novel. That was a massive (and hysterically terrible) epic fantasy. It was something like 150k and was the first book in a duology.

That high of finishing a REAL LIFE BOOK-SHAPED THING was addictive. And because I do not have the greatest track record of taking on reasonable amounts of work* or anything less than moon-high ambitious challenges, the next year I set out to write _two_ novels during NaNo.

(*There was a time when smol!Merc asked their piano teacher if they could learn Chopin’s etude No. 14 in F minor because “it sounds so cool.” Teacher wisely, but kindly, said “Let’s wait until you’ve got more experience, okay?”)

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ANYWAY. In 2005 I wrote 1 complete 50k novel–and got 84k into a second that I never finished.

In 2006, I wrote 2 complete novels (one at 50k, one at 110k), and wrote 80k on a third novel I never finished.

In 2007, I wrote 3 adult novels (57k, 94k, 55k) a 20k MG novel, a 30k novella, and a 38k novella. In the unfinished category, I had: one project at 50k and one at 36k.

(Yes, I tried to do five of these in one month for NaNo. Please don’t try this at home, kids. I hurt my brain and my wrists BAD, and the burnout effect began kicking in.)

In 2008, I wrote 1 novel of 74k, a novella of 18k; unfinished, I had a 50k novel and 30k novel. I was constantly at the edge of burnout. (I had also been living with undiagnosed depression and anxiety, in a toxic emotional living situation, and had for years. I just didn’t know it.)

In 2009, I wrote WOLFBOOK1 at 95k, a short MG novelette of 14k, and a horror novellete of 16k. Unfinished projects included: 22k on a novella and 19k on a novel. I also moved to CA for six months, got laid off from my job on New Year’s Day (2010), and moved back to MN.

And then I burned out really badly. I just didn’t quite let myself accept that. So I tried to keep going.

In 2010 I wrote two books: one (a ground-up rewrite, basically a new thing) at 77k, and its sequel at 95k. Unfinished: a project at 37k. Collapsed into a black hole of super toxic work environment as well as living space.

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Photo of finished and uninished manuscripts (hard copy for archival) with an Xbox One controller for scale.

I was convinced I would never write anything again.

(All this time, by the way, I was still also writing short stories and flash.)

In 2011 I wrote COLLARS. It was super short at 65k. And then I got exactly the wrong kind of feedback on the novel, which shattered my resolve and belief I could write this.

I poked at novels from end of 2011 (tried to write one in 2012 but only got 18k in) and for the six years that followed. I never finished anything. From 2012 to 2016 I was in college and allowed myself to not work on novels because, y’know, college. I focused on short stories a lot during collage, and still consider 2014 the year where I made a commitment to writing professionally.

Always in the back of my mind was that terrifying thought: what if i can never write a book again? What if this is it, and all my novel-writing energy is gone forever?

When I graduated and got a job (my current work, which I love), I thought I could start writing novels again. Hahaha, nope.

I mean, 2016 was a thing that happened. In November I toyed with the idea of NaNo, because I had just moved into my apartment and I had my own space and stable work and surely it could improve? Well. We all know what happened on Election Day.

In June of 2017, overwhelmed with personal chaos and trying to enjoy #4thStreetFantasy convention, I poked away at a novel fragment. I was sure it wouldn’t go anywhere. Nothing had in six years, why start now?

After all, it was a ridiculous book. It was like DISHONORED meets We Rate Dogs: a secondary world urban fantasy where everyone is queer and all the dogs are good ofc. Plot: A guy wants to save his boyfriend, and his city, so he kidnaps a god to solve the problem.

It was funny, goofy, heartfelt, full of bad jokes and puns and magic. I made a Pinterest board and everything.

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An alignment chart I made for my book (if all the characters were doggos)

And hell, it was 2017 and everything was on fire.

I had stalled out on revising my dark fantasy novel COLLARS, which is deeply important to me. But it’s just too hard when fighting smoke and trying to dodge, rather than nonchalantly walk away from, explosions.

I needed to take a hiatus from my COG game writing, because my mental health has been fucked in all directions. (JSYK, the people at COG? Top notch humans, and my editor is utterly fantastic, understanding and supportive. Couldn’t ask for better, even when I am a moldering series of loosely held together wire and gears.)

“Who would want this book?” I wondered, as I wrote late and early and on breaks, laughing and having feels and getting super excited and making photoshop alignment charts. Who would want it?

Me. And a bunch of other people who are awesome, whose opinions I respect, and to whom I am deeply grateful for the support and encouragement. ❤

FIVE DEATHS AND A GOD is a book I didn’t imagine existing before June. It’s a finished novel before the end of November. It has been a huge life raft for my brain the second half of this year. (Also video games.)

It’s funny, it’s heartfelt, it’s honest, it’s exciting, it’s ridiculous, and it has dogs. So many good doggos. There’s a masquerade ball. Trickster gods. Killer shadows. Everyone’s queer. (Except maybe the one antagonist.) There are trans ppl and NB ppl and POC and queer people and disabled people and autistic people, and many intersections of all the above.

I indulged the fuck out of my id on this, and it shows.


After six years, I wrote and finished a new novel. In many ways, it feels like my first time doing this book-thing. I’m elated and excited and happy about how it turned out.


So, here’s the point, really. Everyone’s process is unique. Slumps happen. Life happens. Whether it’s your first novel or your fifth or your fiftith, there’s no proscribed process. Each book’s gonna be it’s own weird thing and that’s okay.

It’s okay if you can’t write all the time, or don’t want to write every day, of if you can only write once in awhile. You’re still a writer. If you’re working on a novel? Huzzah, you’re a novelist! Write at your own pace. There are no bonus points awarded if you finish in X time vs Y time. Do what works for you.

It’s okay. We’re literally _pulling whole fucking books out of our heads and hearts. Do you know how wild and mind-boggling that is?! Think about it. A thing that never existed until you wrote it down…BOOM. Now it exists. It’s a real thing. You created it. Pretty cool, huh?

So that has been my journey this far. Is 5DAG better than my other efforts?

Definitely! I’ve grown as a writer. I’m filling my prose with doggos and queers and adorb trans ppl.

Does 5DAG still need a lot of work and revision?


And that’s okay!


I’m just super happy and proud and excited to have written this thing. 🙂

Never give up, never surrender.

You can do it.

I used to think that was true for everyone but me, but that’s bad!brain lying. I can do this thing, too. Thanks for reading. ❤


What Stories We Choose To Tell

I want to touch briefly on the topic of narrative choice.

Everything you include or omit in a story is a choice. 

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InspiroBot is your friend.

Who do you include, who do you exclude in the narrative? Who gets a happy ending? Who dies? What happens to your female characters, your POC characters, your queer and trans and non-binary characters? Why does that happen? Who is centered in this universe you unfold on the page? Who doesn’t exist?

True, not all choices are conscious. Sometimes we don’t know any better. Sometimes we have to fight through years of internalized oppressions and bullshit in order to realize we are allowed to have stories and they are allowed to be happy.

Awareness brings responsibility.

As an author, your words have power. How do you use that power? Whose stories do you show, and why? Whose do you refuse to allow? Why?

There are so many amazing people out there doing hard work to make information accessible. There are so many brave, fearless, passionate, compassionate, fierce, honorable, dedicated people out there willing to share their stories, their lives, their experiences, for others who want to listen, for others who need to hear you are not alone.

You must be willing to learn, to understand, to empathize and accept others’ narratives at face value. This is true. It is not always easy, no.

But as an author, your words show a world that reflects your self. Your stories are full of narrative choices that tell us who you are.

Stories are deeply personal things, and they show us our own hearts. When someone reads your work, they see a little of you. Or maybe a lot. But they will see.

What do you choose to show them?

wo storytelling
InspiroBot has all the quotes

Not all of it is (for me) conscious at the start. But I make an effort to become conscious of things I missed or didn’t think about. About people and problems and hurt and joy. And this is an evolving process, yes.

When I was a younger!Merc, I wrote stuff that makes me deeply uncomfortable for how sexist and heteroflail and insensitive it was. A lot of this was pure ignorance. I’m a consumer of culture and media, and so much of this shit is internalized, normalized, romanticized in our popular culture and media that you can’t get away from it.

Until I was able to start looking at it critically, interrogating my internalized problems—so many of which are still deeply engrained and slippery and false, and which I have to constantly fight against—I had no idea what I was doing, or the harm I could, and likely did, do. To myself as well as others. And for that, I apologize.

I am trying to do better. Striving to learn, to listen, to understand.

Because I know every story is a series of deliberate narrative choices. What I choose to share, the stories I choose to tell, are not without consequence, or weight, or remembrance.

Stories affect other human beings.

That is power: to touch another’s life, in however small a way. We must be aware of the responsibility that holds.

“This Is Not A Wardrobe Door” nominated for the Nebula Awards!


This happened…

This Is Not A Wardrobe Door

…has been nominated for the Nebula Awards (short story category).


I am beyond honored. Look at the company this little story is in! *swoon*

Thank you, everyone who read and liked and shared and nominated this story. Thank you to the team at Fireside for publishing this story in the first place, and Galen Dara for the stunning art!

Thank you, everyone!!! I will be at the Nebulas conference in May. I hope to see people there. 🙂

Later, Let’s Tear Up the Inner Sanctum

Superheros. Power. Responsibility. The blurred lines between good and evil.

My novelette, Later, Let’s Tear Up the Inner Sanctum, is live and free to read (or listen to) at Lightspeed Magazine!


There’s also an author interview with me, conducted by Robyn Lupo!

I love this story, and it was the perfect tale to explore a ‘found footage’ format, which I’ve always loved and wanted to write. Now I have! I hope you enjoy. 🙂

MERC vs. BOOK: Revising a Novel, Part 9–Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells This Story?

Additional Parts In This Series

Part 0 | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7.1 & 7.2 | Part 8 | Part 9 (you are here)


(With thanks to the Hamilton musical for being so quotable!)

Gather ’round, my peeps, for today we are talking about narrative choice and authorial intent!  [I’m specifically going to focus on written/sole-created narratives. Just for ease of this post.]

Everything You Choose Is Deliberate

In fiction, the author is all-powerful. Each choice the author makes–in particular, conscious decisions–reflects on the author. Power carries responsibility. So. When you have complete and total power over the story you choose to tell, what are the responsibilities that come with that?

Equally important: what are an author’s responsibilities when it comes to choosing not to make specific decisions, include specific elements, and otherwise wield their power in a exclusionary way?

When I talk about exclusion, an authorial choice not to include specific elements in a story, this can be literally anything. It can be choosing not to include rape culture or scenes of sexual or domestic violence. It can be choosing not to have any swearing in the story. It can be choosing not to include potatoes.

Exclusionary choices are not inherently bad. They are, like inclusionary choices [what you DO put in a story], simply a spectrum of authorial deliberation. However, as an author, what you do not include is just as important as what you do include. An author must own the responsibility of their choices.

(We’re not going into external meddling–such as editors, executives, elder gods, etc. This focuses specifically on what the author created, and assumes that there is no external pressure to add/subtract/change specific elements.)

Sometimes these choices can arise from unexamined or unknown bias. Sometimes they arise from ignorance–whether to include or exclude specific elements or people from a narrative–and sometimes not.

Does the story include dragons? Fantastical elements? FTL drives? Superpowers? Does the story feature any queer, trans, disabled, POC, elderly people, minorities, women, or other demographics found everywhere in the world?

If you have dragons but no People of Color, what does that say about your choices? “Historical accuracy” is a false claim when it’s not actually historically accurate. Does a spacefaring worldship harbor only cishet white people? What does that say about your perspective?

Look at it this way. You choose a POV (point of view) character(s) for your story, just like you choose whether it’s written in first-, second-, or third-person (or maybe all of them!), and just like you choose which tense to use for the narrative. Those are deliberate decisions made in order to shape the story.

The content of that story is no less deliberate.

You have the power to choose what you write about, who you write about, and for whom you write. Your responsibility is in how you use that power.


Making Choices: Who Lives and Who Dies

The novel has very strong thematic questions about power, responsibility, and what we owe each other and ourselves with our actions.

It’s also got a lot of action and drama. The plot focuses on authoritative powers who want to destroy things, and the protagonists are caught in this fight and must decide how it ends.

It would be so easy to make this book tragic. It would be so easy to kill everyone off for ‘dramatic effect’ in the ending; to have the characters die in order to succeed. Maybe that would be “edgy.” There is set-up that could allow for the resolution to go either way (victory and life, or victory and death). All I can say is: FUCK THAT NOISE.

There will be no queer tragedy in this book. Damaveil and his husband live and are happy; Rajosja and her wife live and are happy; Bane lives and is… getting there; it just takes a little longer before he is happy again. The non-binary characters live and are happy.

Do people die? Sure. Lots of them. Past and present. This is a dark book; a lot of terrible things happen. That does not mean it must end badly for all the queer and trans characters who exist within.

Death is not the default ending. 

unapologetic happy ending



Making Choices: Who Tells the Story


So, when I wrote the first draft of this book (*cough*timeago*cough*) I did not actually know I was ace/aro. (Ace = asexual, which means I do not feel sexual attraction to other people. Aro = aromantic, which means I am not interested in romantic relationships with other people.) I had inklings about being a somewhat outlier circle on a Venn diagram mapping out human axises of sexuality, but it would be nearly two years after this draft was written before I encountered vocabulary for defining myself.

RoAnna Sylver has a tweet thread about ace/aro representation in media that is spot-on and utterly fantastic, and I urge you to read the whole thing.


Bane is asexual. When I picked up this draft in order to revise, that jumped out at me like a neon sign. (He’s also neuroatypical, which is also something I did not have words for, or consciously realize about myself, when I was writing.)

When I realized this, it made me so happy. And I knew him being ace was an element I would not change. Not for any reason.

I, as a reader and consumer of media, want to see more representation (positive!) on various axises; ace, aro, neuroatypical, queer, trans, non-binary… to name but a few. So I feel it my duty, as a writer, to do what I can to include characters that reflect the vast, amazing, kickass aspects of humanity. I will not always succeed, and not every story will contain every multitude of people. But that doesn’t mean I won’t try. ^_^

A protagonist is one of the many lenses through which we experience story. A protagonist, often, has a large amount of page/screen time. Who you give this time, energy, and presence to in your work says something. You, as the author, choose what it is you’re saying.

Bane has flaws, and also a lot of goodness. He’s empathetic, compassionate, and strives to help people. He has strong friendships without needing romance or sexual relationships. He can save the world when others would ask him only to destroy it.

And he can have a happy ending.


 So, creators, keep in mind your power and your responsibility. When you mess up, you will be called on it, and how you respond is equally a choice. You can do better if you want. You can try harder. Work better.

(I actually have an unfinished post that examines authorial power/responsibility in more detail, and will aim to finish that up and post–it might be more useful to people as a stand-alone article.)

I’d love to hear from you folks, too: what decisions do you make in your creative work? What do you choose to include or exclude?


Coming up next… Merc has no idea, because they need to get back to the ‘fill in all the gaps from the revision outline’ drafting phase! xD So stay tuned…

MERC vs. BOOK: Revising a Novel, Part 8–A Little Night Music and Stick Figures

Additional Posts In This Series

Part 0 | Part 1Part 2Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7.1 & 7.2 | Part 8 (you are here)


I love creating playlists for different projects. It’s not procrastination if it helps me focus, and music* is really good for stimulating my brain cells when I’m creating things.

Screenshot 2016-07-26 14.02.57
A selection of this novel’s playlist–it’s still growing…
*By this I mean carefully selected music that I like and have picked out and am familiar with. I can’t listen to the radio or most streaming services because there’s too much unpredictability.

What goes into the process of selecting music? Ahahahaha, I wish I had a scientific and logical answer, but it’s really “what sounds good, mood-wise” which is as subjective as words themselves.

I’ve chosen a mix of songs that vary in mood, theme, sound–generally nothing super fast-paced; instrumental or solo vocals with some choral; lower down in the playlist there is a lot of Two Steps From Hell tracks (from the album Batlecry), because they make epic music that is highly cinematic without being specifically linked to individual movies. So, because I am also a very visual writer, I like music that sounds like it’d be from a epic fantasy soundtrack, but without being associated with a movie I like/have seen.

For the tracks from albums or soundtracks that I’m familiar with (you will notice music from Hero and Dragon Age Inquisition: Tresspasser, as well as musicals and other films), the music is usually tied to a specific emotion or association–for example, songs by Rammstein (shown here are “Ohne Dich” and “Spring“) evokes tragedy and creepiness (respectively).

And then, after all that careful work to arrange them in an order I’m pleased with, I still tend to hit shuffle and go with it. >.>



A couple days ago, I had one of those ‘OH GOD EVERYTHING IS TERRIBLE AND EVERYONE WILL JUDGE ME’ moments when thinking about the gender breakdown of characters in the book.

stick figures to illustrate how characters and places are connected…

The majority of secondary, minor, and referenced characters are women or non-binary, aside from some token characters whose only purpose is to die, in which case, all those are men.

The POV characters are Bane (demi-male), Rajosja (female), and Winterblade (male-coded). The principle antagonists are the human queen (a woman) and the fae Winter Lord (coded male).

So where I hit a mental snag and flaily panic-state (brains are useful like that /sarcasm) was realizing that Bane, for a good third of the book, has almost an exclusively male support circle: his mentor, his mentor’s husband, and then Winterblade. Which is not to say only boys show up–like I noted above, the majority of secondary and minor characters are women. The most powerful mage in the country is a non-binary person. Most of people in power are women. There are definitely lots of ladies present, talking to each other, having their own lives that are completely unrelated to the males on scene.


But, even with Bane having two excellent gay men as his mentors/father figures (and a psychotic fae prince as a BFF), the fact that it takes over a third of the wordcount to give him prominent women allies/friends, made my brain panic that UR DOIN IT WRONG ZOMG.

So then I made a flowchart! (It’s actually very soothing; I got a pad of easel paper–25in x 30in– so I had lots of space to work with, and just plopped it on my kitchen table and broke out the markers.)


Did it help? Actually it did calm me down (as well as talking it out with friends). I’m still not sure if the doubtroaches are valid or if this is just another tactic to derail me from working. What I count as a win is the conscious awareness of what I’m doing–I can see how the patterns work, and will choose what to do about them going forward.

(That’ll be the focus ot the next post–narrative choices in action.)

Plus, I mean, I did get some adoable stick figures out of this exercise…


Coming up next: Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story?

MERC vs. BOOK: Revising A Novel, Part 7–Gaming the Process (part 2)

This is the second installment of a two-parter blog post about process, craft, and Merc spending way too much time in Illustrator! You can read Part One here.

Part 0 | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7.1 | Part 7.2 (you are here) | Part 8


Where were we?

I wrote awhile back that I needed to pause in drafting Winterblade’s POV in order to write a scene where he and Bane meet. I wanted to break that down and illustrate it as an example of how I visualize things akin to comics or video games.

Part One, long ago but not forgotten

So, uh. I FINALLY GOT TO WORKING ON THAT. Behold, my craft skills as I use drawing models and felt (and some props) for illustration purposes.

The Collars We Wear (left to right: Winterblade, Bane, Rajosja)

Or, as I said on twitter:



So. Visualization.

The scene where Winterblade meets Bane is pivotal to the entire plot. It’s basically attraction at first sight, in which they both fall hard for each other (in a non-romantic sense) and the plot functions because of the characters’ actions. If they never meet? None of the novel would exist, because nothing would go wrong, and the world would not be in danger.

print out of the scene with highlighted sections

When I was writing this scene, I first had to decide in which order the POVs (point of views) should operate. I needed both Bane and Winterblade’s reactions and attractions loud and clear on the page, and because this novel has three alternating POVs, I also wanted to balance out this key scene from each character’s perspective.

It technically begins with Winterblade, who is chained up in a glass cage in the magical university’s library. (He is, unsurprisingly, perfectly okay with this arrangement.) The end of chapter two has him see Bane for the first time, when Bane comes to investigate.


The third chapter begins in Bane’s POV, with a slight time overlap so we can see his first impression of Winterblade as well.

entranced at first look

When I visualized this, the scene took shape in a lot of medium shots, close-ups, reverse over the shoulder(s), and some Dutch angled shots to suggest how much Bane’s world is being upset.


OTS (over the shoulder) is a nifty way to show two (or sometimes more) people talking, by reversing the camera so it focuses on Subject 1 from over Subject 2’s shoulder (roughly speaking), and then reversed (viewing Subject 2 from over Subject 1’s shoulder).

In writing, I end up alternating description and internal commentary–if Character A has dialogue and an action, a “reverse shot” might be Character B reacting to that or doing something of their own.

It depends entirely on the scene and what I need to accomplish, but when I think about framing and blocking in terms of shots, it helps me balance out how it “looks” in my head. That way it’s not one long stream of Character A doing a bunch of stuff, then sudden switch to Character B and recapping everything to catch up to the timeline. Balancing them (switching shots) makes a scene flow smoother, and can also tighten up pacing. (I don’t want to completely repeat everything I just wrote from a different POV, unless–such as in the first face-to-face meeting–it is essential to the story. It’s always a judgement call, because each story is different, and each scene needs different things. No one says this is easy.)

So anyway, the scene continues where they talk and test each other, and eventually Bane decides to break Winterblade out of jail and they go on the run!

Well, until they get caught and all hell breaks loose (aka THE PLOT).

[Fun fact! I have a xenomorph ring that I used as a prop for Bane’s collar. Adds all kinds of…interesting subtext to the photo set…]

And then Inspector Rajosja gets involved for real and she’s pissed.


She really does not approve of these shenanigans.


And now I must be perfectly honest with you, dear readers: I have no fricking clue what else I intended to talk about when I left all this hanging in Part One. >.> Guess that will happen on a five month unintentional hiatus…

I do hope you enjoyed the illustrations, though! 😀 It was a fun excuse to pull out my crafting supplies.


COMING UP: Probably something about playlists and music, as well as finding momentum after *cough* falling into a black hole.

New Story, New Year, New Resistance

Welcome to 2017. I’d like to help kick it off with a story about dismantling the patriarchy, resisting oppression, and fighting for what matters. It contains monsters.

Monster Girls Don’t Cry 

Cover art is “El Arpa” by John Picacio

It’s free to read online at Uncanny Magazine, alongside a knock-out table of contents by other stupendous authors. There’s also an interview with me, conducted by Julia Rios!


So, a new year. Resolutions. Resistance. Renewal.

I started out building bookcases and organizing my books. It’s soothing, and it inspires me to tackle this year with fierce and unyielding passion and determination. I will read more. Write more. Support my friends and my communities. Stay strong. Live.

In 2017, we shine brighter than ever before. Our existence is, in itself, an act of defiance towards our oppressors. We will not be silent or stop. We go on, we fight on, we create and we live and we love and we stand together.

Write your stories, my friends. They will always matter; now more than ever, the world needs to hear our voices. Let us shake the foundations of stone and sky with our words and our breath.  Live. Resist. Write.